Sunday, 9 December 2012

Rambling again

As you can see I have not had a ramble for a while so I thought I shall, recently I have done a lot of thinking, some thoughts have taken me back reliving in my mind parts of my life, some good, some just by thought make me smile, some which are the darker thoughts and some while I could never wish on anyone.

recently I saw a quote when you rock bottom the only way is up. That is certainly true. I have seen many quotes on Facebook over recent months which when applied to life, to feel a change in your heart.

There are so many things in my life which I am so not proud of, one part which took my life in a direction I just could never imagine, has nagged at me constantly for the last ten years, each time I thought of it I asked myself why, then while putting the pieces back from my shattered life recently I realised it, as a teen I had extremely low self worth and self esteem, through out my school years I had been bullied to extreme, I been hit, pushed down stairs, called names, tripped over pushed out of a moving vehicle and much more, this scared me with thinking I was nothing and for many years I thought my sole purpose in life was to make other people feel better about themselves by hurting me in what ever way they could, so then I began not to care, I let people do what they wanted to me. Have these thoughts was destructive. Again as I put pieces back I looked at love, though I have a reputation of being a slapper and yes I have talked to men on the Internet, I have only had sex with a number I can still count on my hand, recently I was talking to a very good friend of mine about this and they laughed saying for a girl of my age that was a miracle especially in this day n age. when I told them the next part they were amazed, through replacing the jigsaw pieces of my heart, I realised that I had only ever loved one person all my life and that feeling was so strong it was hard to believe it had become buried in life events which had happened. One vital mistake I have made in my life is I didn't follow my heart, I had not remained true to myself, another quote I read was follow your instinked because its probably right, how very true if it feels good do it if it doesn't avoid it. So recently I have done so much I wanted to do, I have totally turned myself around I am so very happy now, each day I look for the positives, I am working on my dreams now in a way I never thought possible and what an amazing feeling it has given me. I wake each day with a goal and I achieve so much along the way to achieving that goal . Recently I woke up and said I will do all of my Christmas shopping today and sure enough of I went to my home town of Shrewsbury and I had completed all my Christmas shopping by 12:30 . Each shop had exactly what I wanted, nothing was out of stock it was amazing, while shopping I spoke to lots of people including staff and customer and they were all lovely and helpful some we shared a few laughs with it was just an amazing feeling. So after completing that challenge I came home made a cup of tea looked at the mountain of presents for my friends and family and set about wrapping them in my head I thought I will wrap all these tonight and sure enough I was finished by 8:30 pm, it was great, I had my favourite tv on a cup of tea on the go every now and then, gliding the scissors through the paper, tape dispenser at my side thank god I have a huge coffee table it sure paid for itself, lol. Not once was there any stress through my Christmas preparations each gift was wrapped with love, peace and happiness. That is what I wish to all you reading this now, till my next ramble. :-)

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